Do you think that Emotional Intelligence (EI) is learnable, and thus coachable? If yes, to what extent? Do some people have an advantage when it comes to learning emotional intelligence?
If we think about a skill being learnable we start with one’s own attitude and openness to learning. Recent research shows that we have the capacity to continue to learn as adults and that there is plasticity in the brain allowing for new neural connections to be formed based on novel experiences. For this to happen we need to put ourselves in situations in which we can acquire new experiences. If we aspire to enhance our EQ, we can ask ourselves the following questions: to what extent are we working with people who are very different to us: working in different contexts, engaging with people who are performing very different tasks? This is all well and good. However a key element for learning to actually occur is to actively reflect on the experience. Simple though this may sound, just having the experience will be suboptimal. Continuously and actively expanding one’s self-awareness is key, and a life-long process.
In your opinion and experience, why is emotional intelligence important in the workplace? What are the consequences of neglecting emotions?
I often work with clients in organisations where high value is attached to being an expert, navigating complicated content and gaining knowledge. Progress is made and leaders are promoted based on what they know. At the same time, they seek out coaching as they would like to develop their EQ. In simple terms, they wish to evolve their ‘heart’ sense to complement their ‘head sense’.
For all of us, emotions play a key role in our behavior and these shape how we show up with others, significantly influencing our choices, decisions, actions in ways that we may tend to underestimate. We can typically sense before we think. If we don’t have our emotions, our emotions will have us, and this can happen below our threshold of conscious awareness. Imagine developing one’s EQ to such a point where we are the masters of our emotions rather than the other way round. Such mastery can lead us to feel more fulfilled and satisfied in that we can sense our responses to experiences more richly and fully.
What helped you personally to train your emotional intelligence?
This is a lifelong journey, and dedicating time and energy to deepening one’s self-awareness is key.
In my own practice I ask for regular informal feedback in a simple way (e.g. what do you appreciate? If I could change one aspect of my approach, what would it be?). I keep a journal in which I record my reflections, focused on integrating my experience, what I am most curious about, what surprised me the most, what remains unclear or uncertain that I want to continue to ponder. I keep the simple framework that I share in the next question in mind for my own practice.
What is your favorite tool that you use with your clients to practice emotional intelligence?
The best place to start in order to develop one’s emotional intelligence is simply to be able to notice how one is feeling at a particular moment. This may be an especially positive moment (e.g. successful completion of a project, a great presentation) or a more challenging moment (e.g. setback, negative feedback, a loss of some kind). Notice how you are feeling – what words would describe these feelings. When we feel irritated this is usually due to an experience that has challenged something very important to us. For example, someone did not appreciate what we did and this is annoying perhaps because recognition or acknowledgement is important to us. Once we start to better understand what evokes positive feelings and negative feelings, we can move on to better understanding the feelings of others. Here we practice our inductive reasoning, being a detective and infer what people may be feeling. I suggest to try this framework:
- Self-awareness: What am I noticing about my thoughts? How am I making sense of this moment? How am I feeling (energised, excited, worried, anxious)? How am I showing up somatically (pace of voice fast or slow, relaxed or tense in my body)?
- Regulating my emotions: Do I know my triggers and can I anticipate these? If I feel myself becoming agitated, am I able to communicate this through words rather than acting out? If I am feeling some discomfort, how can I learn to be comfortable with this rather than quickly making it go away?
- Being aware of the needs and emotions of others: What do I imagine each person is feeling? What is the atmosphere in the group? How do I respond accordingly?
Original source: https://bettercoach.io/resources/en/blog/how-to-be-an-emotionally-intelligent-leader-with-downloadable-toolbox/